Of Pride And It's Undoing

Pride—the final boss of the 7 deadly sins.

If you're able to see how proud you are! You're so close to Sainthood and this last line is crazy because it's pride too.

I'm genuinely tired.

We're so focused on resisting other sins but you see pride, people don't much care.

They call it self esteem.

Self esteem is point 0.

Pride starts from point+1.

Self esteem isn't pride, but pride forces you to redefine it as self esteem. Omo, I'm tired but this realization is fueling me.

I envy people who genuinely have nothing to be proud of. Who genetically are worst of— ugly with all of the worst bodily features.

Intellectually retarded, even this last line feels like it's inspired by pride. I admit to myself, if God does not help me, I cannot defeat this pride because honestly, all these started from a very very long time ago.

It was back in my childhood where all these thoughts of being better or super jacked than the rest of the human race began.

I wasn't always this proud you see. It took years of positive genuine reinforcement from a tender age of at least 5 years old.

Nwa amakazi. Fine boy. Fair boy come here. Fine boy do this. Fine boy do that. Although mundane, they formed the building blocks for what became my extrinsic self esteem which I have now come to realise is pride.

Intrinsically, I'd stare at the mirror to admire myself in all its glory. And in fact, I'd agree that they weren't mere flattery, they meant every word.

Even when I tried to deny this, I'd see the same people ridicule others for lacking any form of comeliness.

I have passed through doors simply because I looked "intelligent". I am even yet to start speaking. It didn't even make it easy when I started speaking, I sounded incredibly underrated.

This whole memoir isn't even helping me. I thought if I put these thoughts down, I'd be able see the beginning of the problem so I'd fight it.

Well, as much as the problem didn't start with me, it started the moment I embraced pride. I checked out of humility from an early age and I'm not going to lie, with every life humiliation, pride grew stronger.

With every temptation and every fall. The only place where I get to humble myself is at the confessional. Recanting every evil one has ever clinged to and stamping on them in the presence of a human being.

I genuinely feel disgraced, humiliated and disgust at my own person, but then, I tell myself, you're not special. You can commit every single sin anybody can commit.

There were days I felt the so-called righteousness surging. My self acclaimed ability to wage war against sin and the inability of others not to. I have fought sin sha. Even now, I see myself for whom I truly are, a wretched sinner because even in those deep moment of intense battle against sin, I ended up committing the worst of all—pride.

A confessed sin is a sin I cannot remember. But in the cause of this memoir, let us dive through my history with pride.

People would generally make it easy for me to get what others would not dare ask. As I grew older, some features appeared that became a constant stamp of humiliation.

Part 1: Aku inama

So I was in class one morning, unable to answer a question, my teacher went, "ako inama", so you can't answer this question?

The whole class went crazy. Well, for those who aren't Urhobos, that word loosely translated to "big teeth".

You know how Tywin Lannister said the gods gave him Tyrion Lannister to humiliate him because he had a seemingly perfect life? That's exactly how my ako inama felt to me.

I was the perfect specimen by all metric, but for my big teeth and height. They wouldn't stop taunting me with my height, but we'll get to the height soon enough.

Big teeth this, big teeth that...

I couldn't even 'yab' people in peace and they'll root out the one that they thought could humiliate me instantly without any shred of doubt.

And it works just like clock work. Up until it didn't. At some point, my pride superceded it. The more you called me that, the more I gloried in it. I don't even know how to explain it but I'll try.

I got to understand in my later years that it was actually a compliment. You see, people do not throw stones down, they throw stones up and not just at anything, but at things they want and can't get to.

I was up there, and they were down there. For them to get to me, they had to humiliate me, so I'd think of myself at their level. So I'll bring myself to their level. They wanted me grounded. And honestly, I should have gave in. It is better to lose your both hands than to go to hell with both hands.

Recounting my story to a friend in the university, she said why don't you plan on a dental surgery. I smiled. Same reason I call my errors in writing writers' diction. It's now a part of who I am.

Part 2: Height and size issues

Let's take a deep dive into 1995. Back then, I didn't look as close to 6 feet that you see today. Today I'm towering at a little about 175cm. But it wasn't always like this.

I was small. Incredibly and ridiculously small for my age.

I was so small that at primary 1 or there abouts, I was concerned at my growth rate.

I asked my mum, how is it that I'm not growing. She said this to me. "Your cousin, used to be so small. But as he grew up, became as towering as the Iroko tree, that they not call him Dogo (Hausa for tall).

My cousin is the tallest nigga I have ever seen. Everyone knows the this cousin.

Mama I'm sure just wanted to hype me, but omo, I believed her. So tell me why when I hit puberty I started growing. I grew taller than some of my childhood friends. 😂😂

Take that sucker! 😂😂 Raymond aka Osamu, I wish he could read this. He is number on this list.

But calm down guys, this is a humiliation and grounding memoir. Let's not get way ahead of ourselves. Life is truly unscripted. At 18, I was already above the average male height by a centimetre or two.

That was one problem eternally solved. One problem that could no longer be used against me. Pride was winning. And even now, I just realised that, without things to be genuinely proud of, one cannot claim to be humble.

So, I will choose to forgo whatever genetic advantages I have and cling to that old rugged cross of self humiliation.

For it is not I who live, but Christ who lives in me.

I have reached the end of my self reflection and now I have to say this. I didn't think this would help me when I began. I thought this problem was unsurmountable at first. But now I feel much more hopeful. If you've read to this point, congratulations. You've achieved 0.1% one-sided neural handshake with me.

You know 0.1% of what no one knows about me. And I hope this message keeps you humble too. We're all dust after all. Benedicamos Domino.

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